Paroditus
by muggle454
Summary: Another parody, and with Mad-eye being a pirate, guests appearances from Captain Hook and Dr. Evil, and a succulent apple pie it's going to be a wild ride!
1. Pirates and Pies

Chapter 1: Pirates and Pie!

**Disclaimer: it's not mine. Honest!**

Harry, Ron and Hermione were heading down to breakfast when suddenly Mad-Eye Moody staggered over, collapsing into a heap at their feet, "The chest boys, me chest." He rasped,

Hermione frowned at being called a boy but as the Auror didn't seem very aware right now she overlooked it and pushed a chest towards him that had miraculously appeared at her feet.

Moody grabbed the chest and stood up, handing the chest to Ron. "Don't let him get it"

"Don't let who, get what?" Ron asked bemused

"Don't let Hook get the chest, boy." And with that he staggered away and apparated, clearly disregarding all the times it has been said that no one can apparate in or out of Hogwarts.

Before Harry, Ron and Hermione had time to process this action, a tall man with a hook for a hand and a rather poncy hat sprinted in. Harry frowned,

"Do we know you?"

"I don't think so." Hook said in shock,

"Yes, we do." Harry said certainly, "You're Draco's dad in a black wig and a poncy hat."

"What!" Shouted Draco, who had randomly appeared when Moody had apparated away. "Father!" Draco cried, hugging the pirate around the waist and trying to avoid being impaled on his father's sword. "How did you escape from Azkaban?"

"Azka – what?"

"Azkaban," Hermione said impatiently, "You know the Wizard Prison, Mr. Malfoy, established in 567 BC by Minestrone the Soup when his advisor called Spaghetti Hoop betrayed him, this was of course immediately following -" They didn't hear anymore though, because Ron had quietly stunned her.

"Sorry about that, she has a tendency to get over excited about…well…everything."

"Oh, so where were we?" Hook/Malfoy asked in confusion. "Oh yeah, I had just met this freak" He indicated Draco who looked a bit hurt, "No offense, mate-y."

"None taken." Draco said, sniffling quietly.

"Right, so Captain Hook, if that is your real name, MR. MALFOY!" Harry said impressively while Ron grabbed the back of his head and tried to yank off his 'wig'

"Ow. Stop it! What are you doing?"

"Harry…" Ron said slowly, "It's not a wig."

"Of course it's not a wig you scurvy knave. I am Captain James Hook of the Jolly Roger."

"Oh, terribly sorry, Sir. Slight misunderstanding, you see you do really look frightfully like this man." Harry said, grabbing a photo out of Draco's pocket from where he still lay crying on the ground.

"Oh." Hook said in wonder, examining the photo "We do look sort of similar I suppose,"

"Oh, yes you do you see, if you look at the nose you really do look quite similar." Ron said patiently,

"And you say he's in prison?"

"Yes, he kind of tried to kill me." Harry said,

"He did, did he?" Hook said in surprise,

"Yes, it was quite hurtful really." Harry said sadly, "You see I was starting to get quite fond of him."

"WHAT!" Ron sputtered,

"Well, Ron you see, Draco and I are…" But his words were covered by a particularly loud sob from Draco who still thought his father hated him. (It took him a long time to figure it out!)

"ARGH, enough of this!" Hook shouted, "Give me the chest boy."

"Oh, frightfully sorry, here." Ron sad handing it to him courteously, "Would you like some help with that, the lock's a bit rusty? If we open it can I be your first mate on the Jolly Roger?"

"Um…Sure." Hook said slowly, not used to such strange requests. So a very excited Ron woke up Hermione and said,

"Hermione… sorry for stunning… you… could you open… this chest for… the nice Captain… because… then I get to be… first mate… of a fright…fully… cool ship!" Ron said jumping up and down.

"Um…Sure."

"Hey, that's my line!" Captain Hook complained,

"Do you know turkeys like to wear pyjamas?" Harry asked suddenly,

"Um…right Harry." Hermione said,

"Sorry, I just hadn't said anything for a while." Harry explained while kicking Draco when he sobbed again,

"Hermiiiooonnneee, oppeeeenn thhheee chheessst!" Ron whined,

"Fine!" Hermoine sighed, "But I don't know why you two couldn't have done it. Alohamora!" She cried and instantly the chest burst open, a cloud of dirty blue smoke puffed out and when the smoke cleared nothing happened.

Hook leaned closer, Harry leaned closer, Hermione leaned closer, Ron leaned closer, Draco sobbed, and suddenly a huge pie appeared in mid air and flew full force at Hook's face. Spluttering and cursing Hook staggered backwards and in that moment Moody reappeared. Looking at the devastation around him he fell to his haunches and shouted "NOoooooooooooo! Not the apple pie!"


	2. Enter Dr Evil

Chapter 2: Enter Dr. Evil.

"Lemon fizz" a very shabbily dressed Dumbledore said to the two gargoyles outside the staircase to his office.

The two gargoyles sprang to life and instead of moving out of the way to reveal the stairs they jumped forward and restrained him against the wall and with pink fluffy handcuffed, Dumbledore couldn't help laughing at these!

Dumbledore woke up with a headache to rival his trip to Ibiza the summer before!

"What's going on?" Dumbledore said to the large blurry shape hunched over him,

"You are in the office of none other of than Dr Evil, in my Utah department."said the mad Dr!

"Why are you holding me hostage? Inquired a very frantic and panicing Dumbledore

"I am holding you hostage because my plan to overthrow the UN by paying the head 1,000,000 didn't work, money just doesn't have that impact on people like it used to! Another reason is I am still peed off that Austin Powers is my brother!" replied Dr Evil.

"Your evilness, the nuclear device that we stole from the republic of minipizzastan is in Hanger." Said a very weary looking number two

"Thank you number two, another reason is that I need you to magic away the ignition codes stopping me from blowing the white-house into a pile of nothingness!" explained Dr Evil

"Wait!" said Dumbledore with a confused face

"How did you find out about the magical world?" asked Dumbledore

"Well it all started when a man called Barty Crouch, what's that face for? Did you know him?" asked Dr Evil

"Well lets just say I am a recent acquaintance of his!" said Dumbledore

"Yes… well he turned my son Scotty into a mushroom!" said a now angry looking Dr Evil.

"I am very sorry for your loss but may I ask how you gained access to the magical world? Asked Dumbledore politely

"Well firstly I brought a young baby here by the name of Tom Marvollo Riddle who came in very useful as he had many secrets locked inside his brain! We came across some difficulties in getting them out though and in the process he became a raving lunatic who killed seven of my guards! This was after we had been experimenting on him for about seven years! We knew it was time to pt him back where he belongs so we released him into an orphanage in London." Explained Dr Evil

"Do you realise that you are in this case responsible for the deaths of about four thousand innocent men, women and even twenty seven CHILDREN YOU STUPID IDIOT!" shouted Dumbledore!

Well, I am sorry for your loss! Said a nervous looking Dr!


End file.
